The is the second installment of our new Self-Care Series! As I've been working with our Biz Babez strategy coach, Kasey, we have been uncovering and tackling a lot of the stresses that come with owning a business and just being a human being in this day and age. Ever since I started Dazey I have neglected practicing self-care and Kasey really helped me realize that. In response, I’ve decided to be very transparent about my self-care journey so others can learn too. We also launched a weekly boss support group at Biz Babez called BIZZY (you can snag your tix HERE) that Kasey, Taryn, and I teach! It's been so cool to hear the perspectives of other women who are going through the same things we are and support one another. One of the biggest topics being brought up in our group has been FEAR. Fear of failure, fear of the unknown, fear of just about anything. This topic was so fitting as it was something I have been struggling with to the point of not sleeping as of late.
In my session with Kasey I shared with her how I was feeling and she taught me a really cool technique to really pinpoint why I was so afraid and how to stop it. In the name of utter transparency I had Kasey share exactly what happened in our session, down to the specific anxiety I was going through.
Read below to really get into my head and maybe learn something about tackling your own fears! Hope you enjoy and leave a little comment below if you want these posts to keep coming!
Wanna play a game?!
Great! It’s called “Find the Fear!” I love to play this game with my clients, and with myself, whenever I’m feeling anxious about something. I played this game with Dani a couple weeks ago and she asked me to share it with all of you! See, anxiety is really just a derivative of fear. We usually feel it when we’re afraid of something that hasn’t happened yet; is very unlikely to happen at all; and wouldn’t be the end of the world even if it did happen (literally, the world would keep spinning on its axis).
Before we start, go grab a piece of paper and a pen. No, really. I’ll wait. Got it? Amazing, let’s get started! First thing you do is scan your big ol’ brain for whatever is causing you the most worry right now. Write that thing at the top of your paper. Skip a couple of lines and write, “Why am I worried about this? What am I afraid is going to happen?” Look at you go, sister! Alright, now answer it. You’re really really good at this! Now skip a couple of lines and write this question, “Okay, what if this actually did happen? What would happen next and why am I afraid of that?” Now, answer it. Get the jist? I had a feeling you might.
Keep repeating this step until you get to the worst-case scenario possibility that you can imagine. You’ll know when you’ve gotten there when one of the following happens: you feel a pit; you break into tears; you break into laughter. Once you find your worst-case, circle it and take a deep breath! Now, skip a few more lines and write these two questions:
How likely is it that this will happen?
If this happened, would it be the end of the world?
99 times of out of 100 the answers to these two questions are “not likely” and “no, the world wouldn’t end.” So then, what is there to really be afraid of? Oh, that’s right, nothing! Fear is a great trickster. It masterfully convinces us that supremely improbable events are going to happen. And when they do we will be left without money, without love, or that we’ll die a failure. But fear can only run the show and cause mini-meltdowns when it operates in the shadows. The second we shine a flashlight on it and expose its ridiculousness, it instantly becomes less scary. It’s kind of like realizing that the Great and Powerful Oz is just a man behind a curtain. That’s why I love to play “Find the Fear.” It shines a big old spotlight on fear.
Dani did something really scary this month. She bought a house! She has spent years saving and mentally preparing for this exact moment! Yet, when we sat down for our business/self-care coaching session this month, she couldn’t help but feel afraid. So we played “Find the Fear.” Dani asked me to share it with you as an example of how the game works!
“I’m afraid of buying a house, even though it’s what I want to do and what I’ve wanted to do for a long time.”
“I’m afraid of buying a house because I’m waiting for the appraisal to come back. If the appraisal comes back too low, lower than asking price, I either won’t be able to buy the house or I’ll have to put more money down than I was expecting in order to buy the house.”
“How likely is it that I won’t be able to by the house? 50/50.”
“Would it be the end of the world if I couldn’t buy a home? No. I’ll feel disappointed, especially after getting so many people excited about buying a house. But nothing would really change about my life.”
“What If I the appraisal comes in low, I still decide to buy the house, and I have to put more money down than I want to, what would happen? I’ll have less money in my savings account.”
“What if I have less money in my savings account, what would happen? If something big comes up I won’t have cash on hand to pay it.”
“What if something big happens and I don’t have liquid assets to pay for it, what would happen? I’d have to get a credit line or loan.”
“What if I had to get a credit line or loan, what what would happen? I’d be indebted to someone and have to pay the money back.”
“What if you had to pay the money back, what would happen? I’d either pay it back or I’d go bankrupt.”
“What would happen if I went bankrupt? I’d have to move back in with my parents and start a new business.”
There it is! There is Dani’s worst-case scenario. Now, it’s important to note that the entire time Dani and I were doing this exercise, we were laughing. It turns out humor is a great antidote to fear!
To finish the exercise Dani asked herself:
“How likely is that I will go bankrupt and have to move in with my parents? Very, very, very unlikely.”
“Would it be the end of the world if it did happen. Yes! But, no, not really. I’d survive and my parents would totally let me do it.”
Look at Dani slaying that fear! Now here’s where the story gets even cooler. Five days after we did this exercise, Dani got the appraisal back and it was much lower than she originally thought it was going to be. Too low for her to buy the house. And, as she predicted, she was very disappointed. But, because she is Dani and she is so good at manifesting her dreams, she decided to get a second appraisal. Now, I’m not going to share the numbers, but suffice it to say the first appraisal was no bueno. The second appraisal was Dani’s “Hail Mary” attempt to salvage her dream and it was a real long-shot. Guess what?! Dani got a call yesterday and the second appraisal came in much higher than they expected, even before they commissioned the first one!
She’s getting the house!!!!!!!!!!!!! The crowd goes wild!
Did any of the things Dani was afraid of come true? Yes! She almost couldn’t buy the house. Was it the end of the world? No way! Did she find a way around it? Yes, because she’s dope! Dani got thrown unexpected curveballs. She handled them like a boss. Just like she will handle any challenges that life throws her way.
Fear is our brain’s way of keeping us safe. It tries to paralyze us in our comfort zone so that we stay there. Because ultimately, it’s our brain’s job to keep us alive. It’s easier for our brain to do that when we stick to the familiar. If we want to create the business and life of our dreams we have to get really great at challenging fear and believing in our ability to handle life’s inevitable hiccups. Doesn’t that sound like a much healthier, saner, happier way to go about crushing your goals? I couldn’t agree more! That’s why I created this cute little Find the Fear Worksheet. That way you can play this game as many times as you want! My hope is that you play it as often as you need to until you have as much confidence in your own badassery as Dani and I have in you. Then you’ll hardly need to play it at all!
Go HERE to get a free FIND THE FEAR worksheet from Kasey!